Let’s talk about anxiety and depression, pt. 1

First off, I’ve experienced anxiety and depression all of my life. 

There: that’s my coming out statement. Put the snark away folks. Acknowledging openly a difference/disability is a big deal and is as important as acknowledging a non-heteronormative sexual orientation and/or gender identity. I live with and accommodate both anxiety and depression successfully much of the time; but triggered by events in life – even something positive – I can have debilitating anxiety attacks or major depressive episodes. 

 At sixty, I’m pretty good at knowing what will trigger my anxiety and depression. Having too much to do, and too few resources to do it with is the most common trigger, and the hardest to overcome. I’m living through a prolonged period where I’m experiencing both anxiety and depression in a way that makes life difficult and significantly interferes with both my personal and professional lives. 

 This episode started in 2019. I faced both resource and emotional challenges at work that triggered this episode. For people wondering why I checked out in 2019, this is the answer you were looking for. Very recently, the intensity of the MDD increased dramatically when the amount of work I had to do increased significantly, and I lost people on my team and have been unable to recruit people to replace the ones who aren’t available. That additional work, and my unrealistic belief that I could and should work longer and “better” pushed me past the ability to cope with and accommodate my anxiety and depression. 

 How did I know? The Mayo Clinic’s simple and direct list of symptoms applies: 

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness 

• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters 

• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports 

• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much 

• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort 

• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain 

• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness 

• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements 

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame 

• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things 

• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide 

• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches.

 In my case, the “unexplained physical problems” are migraine headaches and episodic psoriasis. Neither are pleasant, trust me.  

In short, I stopped taking care of myself and I stopped the activities and practices that help me keep my anxiety and depression under control. When did I know I was depressed, and experiencing an episode of major depressive disorder? Not until very recently: For much of the last two years, I thought I was burnt out. Depression and burnout are good friends; they don’t need to be related, but in my case, I think they are. Burnout and my depression triggers are the same: doing too much, for too long, without energy and time to recover. And the way out from anxiety, depression, and burnout are similar. 

 So here we are. I’ve started taking steps to bring my anxiety and depression under control. They include: 

• Exercising regularly 

• Practicing mindfulness meditation 

• Temporarily stepping away from work for recovery 

• Resuming work, taking care to rebuild positive habits to mitigate anxiety and depression triggers 

• Getting enough sleep – but not too much 

• Eating better • Consulting with my primary care physician and psychologist 

•Engaging with friends and colleagues (and not using them as therapists ) 

• Focusing on small actions that bring me satisfaction 

 I didn’t include medication. I’ve taken anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications on and off for 30 years. If returning to a pattern of behavior that previously controlled my anxiety and depression doesn’t work, I may well ask for a new prescription. That’s where consulting with my primary care physician and psychologist come it. Managing anxiety and depression isn’t an “alone” activity. It takes a group of people to offer support that help relieve the impact of anxiety and depression. 

As I work to actively manage my anxiety and depression, with you all as partners, you may see me less on social media. On the other hand, hopefully I’ll be in contact with more of you, directly, because real interaction is far better than seeing notifications and red dots appear in your timelines and feeds. Either way: anxiety and depression should not be something we hide. I won’t be hiding any longer.

Post-script:  I drafted this in 2022. It took me four years to sort myself out enough to publish this. Cheers!