#metoo

Yeah, this is decades late. The delay is part of my journey, and I'm not proud of not standing up for others and myself earlier and more vocally. 

So #metoo has made it really clear that women are universally subject to inappropriate sexual behavior and abuse and violence involving sex.  And more than a few men have chimed in as well, because inappropriate sexual behavior can occur to a man as well. If you grab my ass or my crotch, and I don't want you to, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman: get your fucking hands off my junk is a perfectly acceptable response.  And yes, that’s coming from a position of privilege, I know.  

There's a different variation on this that's not overtly sexual harassment (but may involve sexual contact), and that is the abuse and violence that is perceived as "consensual" or "appropriate", involves denying control to the abused individual, and is at the heart of the issue. Hazing as "bonding" is one example; any relationship where there's a power disparity that requires the less powerful party to consent (or not) to something against their interest is another. 

I've had a colleague exploit their relationship to my organization's leadership to behave unprofessionally and un-collegially to me, and to refuse to accept my authority as a technology professional. I've had said colleague threaten me in veiled and coded language, and usurped my authority to direct work on technology for their business-- not because it made their work any easier (it didn't) but because they could.  And they were explicit: no one will listen to you, because I have the power to tell the story to a person who can take away your livelihood.

I was told by others that I couldn't complain about this because "that's just how it goes." 

It hurt when it happened, and it still hurts now. #metoo.

It also sounds a lot like what the women who were abused by Harvey Weinstein reported, only without the sex. Sounds even more like what business associates of Weinstein report as the cost of doing business with Weinstein. And yeah, it happens to everyone -- we all have to suck it up.

No. We don't. 

It's all abuse. And we countenance it by saying that it's what successful people do, as the price of business, as the cost of social acceptance. But it's not: it's our culture's inherent, implicit, and explicit respect for people who have the will and ability to take agency and control from others. Writ large, it's slavery. Writ small, it's cage fighting. in between, it's what has led tens of millions of people to write #metoo. 

I know, tl:dr and tmi.  Guess what: it’s time to accept that we need to cauterize the suppurating wound that’s eating away at our culture and civil society.  

Postscript: I first wrote this in 2017. I should have left my job at HHS and ACL at that time, because the abuse I experienced continued until I was forced to retire in 2023. My mental health spiraled downward, leading to a major depression disorder and anxiety episode that I’ve been treated for from 2020 until now. Because of the events that took place at ACL, the consequent interference in professional opportunities I sought, and the traumas I experienced I’m unlikely to ever work again as a technology professional, and my personal life has been permanently affected by the workplace abuse.  

I lost years of my professional life, and between millions and hundreds of thousands of dollars in potential income because of workplace abuse. I will never get that back.

As a nation and as a culture, the casual acceptance of abuse and the disempowerment and theft of agency, of the usurpation of the rule of law through accepting the impunity of action of wealthy and powerful people, most often white men, has continued to erode our democratic and egalitarian institutions. And while those institutions and the government they supported were imperfect, the idea that they were improvable, that we could work together to make life better for everyone, but importantly for the people who had the least and the most to overcome was always there. 

The idea that we, together, can make a better world remains. But we need to acknowledge the threat that abuse and loss of agency represents to all of us and that in a better future, the causes and effects of #metoo are radically reduce, and those who abuse and act with impunity face the full weight of justice. 

Independence Day

Because: reasons I never published this when I wrote it 19 years ago.  

It’s timelier now than it was then.  Enjoy. 

It’s Independence Day, 2007.  In the year since the last Independence Day, our nation has experienced:

The “inadvertent” suspension of habeas corpus in order to justify our judicial and military response to terrorism;

The conviction on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice, of a senior appointed official of the Bush Administration, and the subsequent commutation of his sentence by President Bush;

A seemingly endless series of “terror alerts” which seem less intended to protect our physical well being than to distract, disturb, and disorient us;

The continued occupation of Iraq, at the cost of billions of dollars a day, three American soldier’s lives, many more traumatic injuries to American soldiers, and countless Iraqi lives taken and ruined, not to mention the incalculable loss of goodwill to America and Americans throughout the world; and

A series of Supreme Court decisions that have collectively reduced the rights of individual Americans to seek remedies for and protection from unjust actions by employers, schools, and religious organizations while strengthening the rights of corporations, churches, and the government to limit the freedoms our founders argued and fought – not once, but three times – for.

This is far from a comprehensive list of how Americans have seen our individual and collective independence and freedom eroded over the last year.  And many people have spoken far more eloquently than I can on the individual issues that threaten to tear apart the fabric of our Republic.  That this Administration and its supporters believe themselves to be beyond the rule of law is the single overarching threat to our Republic.  

The failure to abide the rule of law by the Executive Branch has been growing as a threat at least since President Nixon was pardoned for his actions in the Watergate scandal, leaving any number of illegal actions (the bombing of Cambodia, the U.S. role in the Chilean coup d’etat) that were never investigated or prosecuted in the interest of “national healing”.  It reappeared as the Iran-Contra scandals, the Savings and Loan crisis, the investigation of the Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI), and the perjury trap encountered by President Clinton as a result of his consensual sexual relationship with Monica Lewinski.  

This is not the first time in American history where failure to abide the rule of law was seen as a threat to the Republic.  Abraham Lincoln wrote and spoke of the threat in his Address to the Young Men’s Lyceum of Springfield, Illinois.  In a speech that was meant to address the issue of the perpetuation of the political institutions of the United States, much of what Lincoln spoke concerned his fear of the growing presence of mob rule.

“I know the American people are much attached to their government; I know they would suffer much for its sake; I know they would endure evils long and patiently before they would ever think of exchanging it for another, - yet, notwithstanding all of this, if the laws be continually despised and disregarded, if their rights to be secure in their persons and property are held by no better tenure than the caprice mob, the alienation of their affection from the government is a natural consequence; and to that, sooner or later, it must come.”

I’d argue that this is exactly the sentiment that allowed the Republican Party to convince a majority of Americans to vote for them.  By both advocating “law and order” for the masses and openly disregarding the laws – and their fiduciary responsibility to the country – the Republican Party has brought the nation to the edge of dissolution for a second time.

Addendum, 19 years later.  

I hate being correct.  All of this and worse continued during the remainder of the Bush/Cheney Administration, and with the seditious intent of the not-so-shadowy right-wing conspiracy, visible as the American Legislative Exchange Council, the Heritage Foundation, the Federalist Society, and Leonard Leo’s alt-project, Teneo. 

That’s before the shitshow confluence of grifters, reality TV personalities, celebrities, and ignoramuses and bullies that make up the Executive Branch as constituted in both Trump Administrations arrived.  

The solutions for the problems remain the same. The effort and amount of time required to correct the damage caused will be far greater than had we started the work to fix the systemic issues and address the critical, immediate issues in say 2010.  

Saturday Morning Thoughts, 27 June 2026

Also posted on Threads, Facebook, and Bluesky.

In no particular order, because my brain and body are recovering from a bourbon and peach-fueled evening of cooking and drinking, three evolving thoughts: 

1.  “From each according to their ability, to each according to their needs” in 2026 seems not like some utopian ideal but more as a rubric of how to acknowledge that in a diverse world where there is material abundance, every being deserves an equitable – but not necessarily equal – access to the resources of the community and culture in which they live, and an expectation that in turn, they will contribute to their community’s needs and well-being freely and in good faith.  This concept infuriates individualists and people believing in hierarchical societies; and that is part of its appeal to me. Marx is also far closer to the core belief in community shared by the Abrahamic religions than conservative Christians, Jews, and Muslims who revile communitarian economic and social beliefs are willing to admit. 

2. From a conversation with a dear friend who is a mother and a full-time caregiver to two adult children with disabilities: Being a parent, a child, a partner, a sibling, or a friend is a whole and separate responsibility from being a caregiver.  Every healthy relationship assumes bonds of common interest and physical and emotional benefit and safety.  Not every healthy relationship requires the active attention to the needs of a parent, child, sibling or friend.  We as a culture misunderstand both the nature and challenges of caregiving, and how its demands and needs are both different and greater than those of filial and associative relationships.  (Yes, this is in part about the White House’s efforts to subvert Olmstead v LC, the Supreme Court decision allowing people with disabilities to live independently in circumstances of their choosing.)

3. The cults of celebrity, exceptionalism, and nostalgia for a static, non-existent past and their monetization have eroded or destroyed any number of values, behaviors, and attitudes needed for sustainable and just relationships and communities.  Because we discount and dismiss people who aren’t perceived as important or powerful, we as a culture have prejudiced our systems and support in favor of the wealthy, powerful, and those closes to them, and against those without wealth, power, access, and influence.  As a result, we make poor decisions about both what and how we need to do *everything*. 

Future posts like this may be the beginning of a renaissance of scory, my long-moribund blog. I’ve needed and wanted to write and share my words because of my intellectual vanity and my need attention and affirmation.  There, I said it.  

In the words of Stephen Colbert, won’t you please join me? 

Let’s talk about anxiety and depression, pt. 1

First off, I’ve experienced anxiety and depression all of my life. 

There: that’s my coming out statement. Put the snark away folks. Acknowledging openly a difference/disability is a big deal and is as important as acknowledging a non-heteronormative sexual orientation and/or gender identity. I live with and accommodate both anxiety and depression successfully much of the time; but triggered by events in life – even something positive – I can have debilitating anxiety attacks or major depressive episodes. 

 At sixty, I’m pretty good at knowing what will trigger my anxiety and depression. Having too much to do, and too few resources to do it with is the most common trigger, and the hardest to overcome. I’m living through a prolonged period where I’m experiencing both anxiety and depression in a way that makes life difficult and significantly interferes with both my personal and professional lives. 

 This episode started in 2019. I faced both resource and emotional challenges at work that triggered this episode. For people wondering why I checked out in 2019, this is the answer you were looking for. Very recently, the intensity of the MDD increased dramatically when the amount of work I had to do increased significantly, and I lost people on my team and have been unable to recruit people to replace the ones who aren’t available. That additional work, and my unrealistic belief that I could and should work longer and “better” pushed me past the ability to cope with and accommodate my anxiety and depression. 

 How did I know? The Mayo Clinic’s simple and direct list of symptoms applies: 

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness 

• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters 

• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports 

• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much 

• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort 

• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain 

• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness 

• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements 

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame 

• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things 

• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide 

• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches.

 In my case, the “unexplained physical problems” are migraine headaches and episodic psoriasis. Neither are pleasant, trust me.  

In short, I stopped taking care of myself and I stopped the activities and practices that help me keep my anxiety and depression under control. When did I know I was depressed, and experiencing an episode of major depressive disorder? Not until very recently: For much of the last two years, I thought I was burnt out. Depression and burnout are good friends; they don’t need to be related, but in my case, I think they are. Burnout and my depression triggers are the same: doing too much, for too long, without energy and time to recover. And the way out from anxiety, depression, and burnout are similar. 

 So here we are. I’ve started taking steps to bring my anxiety and depression under control. They include: 

• Exercising regularly 

• Practicing mindfulness meditation 

• Temporarily stepping away from work for recovery 

• Resuming work, taking care to rebuild positive habits to mitigate anxiety and depression triggers 

• Getting enough sleep – but not too much 

• Eating better • Consulting with my primary care physician and psychologist 

•Engaging with friends and colleagues (and not using them as therapists ) 

• Focusing on small actions that bring me satisfaction 

 I didn’t include medication. I’ve taken anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications on and off for 30 years. If returning to a pattern of behavior that previously controlled my anxiety and depression doesn’t work, I may well ask for a new prescription. That’s where consulting with my primary care physician and psychologist come it. Managing anxiety and depression isn’t an “alone” activity. It takes a group of people to offer support that help relieve the impact of anxiety and depression. 

As I work to actively manage my anxiety and depression, with you all as partners, you may see me less on social media. On the other hand, hopefully I’ll be in contact with more of you, directly, because real interaction is far better than seeing notifications and red dots appear in your timelines and feeds. Either way: anxiety and depression should not be something we hide. I won’t be hiding any longer.

Post-script:  I drafted this in 2022. It took me four years to sort myself out enough to publish this. Cheers!